We just took Merrick to Primary Children's this morning for his post operative evaluation. He is healing very well. They took off the bandage and now the scar is visible. It looks worse than it really is because of the paste they use to seal it up on the outside.
The clinic cardiologist even gave us some hope that Merrick may not have to have surgery again real soon. They may be able to delay surgery through the use of medicines. I know what you’re thinking, “Why didn’t they just do that to begin with?” The answer to that is the severity of the problem in his heart. The meds would have put him at a greater risk for complications. Now that part of the problem with his heart has been addressed, that being the narrowness of the valve, the meds may be able to help stem the unwanted backflow through the valve. At this point it’s still only a possibility, but hey that’s what faith is for right?
We will know more after we take both Merrick and Sophia in for their heart checkups in February. Merrick’s issues have been an ongoing issue and always will be. Now we have to see about Sophia’s condition too. Please pray that her condition isn’t as serious.
I have just now found that I enjoy writing about the many things I think about. I feel that it gives me an outlet and helps to solidify my thoughts and feelings on certain issues. This is my latest and I've decided to share it.
Is it better?
For some time now I’ve pondered these lines from Lord Tennyson’s poem In Memoriam,
I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
For nearly 3 years now I have pondered those two last lines. Ever since Merrick was born we have lived with the understanding that he could pass on at a moment’s notice. He has a heart that is severely inefficient and therefore unpredictable. He has now had his first surgery and the surgery was not a great success. We were hoping for some kind of reprieve from this dark cloud of fear and anxiety that hangs over us. Nevertheless we must continue on with this certain uncertainty in our lives.
As I was sitting in the hospital with Merrick over this past Thanksgiving weekend I received a phone call from my mother-in-law. In a quivering voice she explained that a close cousin of Andrea’s had just perished in a motocross accident. He leaves behind a beautiful family with two young children and an expecting wife who is due later this month. I consider him and his own as family too and I have a great fondness and respect for them. My heart began to ache as I thought of all the ramifications his passing holds for those near and dear to him.
Again I began to contemplate the notion that Lord Tennyson presents that it is “better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” Understanding that I am powerless to control the events that unfurl in this life I realize that I must be thankful for this life’s experiences regardless of what they may be. In this very case I’m grateful for my children and the experiences that they bless me with. I am grateful for knowing Brian and his family and the example they are to me. I feel a great sorrow in my soul for the events that have taken place but I understand they happen for a reason. Only a coward would rather be enveloped in ignorance not wanting to be vulnerable to life’s pain. For it has been said that ‘without pain there can be no pleasure.’ The idea that ‘ignorance is bliss’ is a lie from the master of all lies. It is impossible to know a divine pleasure such as bliss without knowing its inverse and thus we have the essence of our existence in this state of being. Through my children, family, and friendships I have felt true bliss and I have also felt pain and sorrow.
Lord Tennyson must have been inspired to pen such a lasting and eternally insightful statement. It is my opinion that it is indeed “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” The laughs, tears and loves that are experienced in this life is life itself. To deprive oneself these feelings and wish for a life of ignorance is selfish and cowardly and is the antithesis to the purpose of our existence here on earth. All life is mortal and temporal in this state. We often forget that this state of being is but a grain of sand on the shores of time and shall pass in the blink of an eternal eye. The love we cultivate will continue past the time we lost with our loved ones here. The pain and sorrow of regrets will retreat when the understanding of eternal life prevails. We will reunite again in an eternal glory and give praise to our Father on high and his Son, who has saved us, for the experiences that have been afforded us.
Does the acceptance of the line, “Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all,” make it easier to accept the loss of a loved one? I do not believe it is so. The sorrow must remain for a time as it is conversely bound to love and the perceived loss of that love. The line does, nevertheless, serve as a reminder that love is greater than sorrow. The pain and sorrow will pass and love will endure as we remember all the laughs, tears, and times we've had together. As we move forward in this difficult time I will use Lord Tennyson’s declaration as a reminder to make the best of the times we have together. I will cherish my family and friends and do my best to serve them.
Merrick's surgery is complete. Surgeries I should say. He went in for his first one at 7am and got out around 1pm. They were able to repair his valve, which is still a temporary fix that should last a few years. The repair was the first option over putting in an artificial valve or a mechanical valve. After the first surgery he had some excess bleeding that had to be addressed. So they opened him again and he was in surgery for about another hour and a half. He is now off the ventilator and doing well. I was relieved and overwhelmed when they took out the ventilator and his first words were in a raspy barely audible voice, "I want my Daddy."
